Talk:The Fortune Cookie
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- Jack Lemmon as Harry Hinkle
- Walter Matthau as Willie Gingrich
- Ron Rich as Boom-Boom Jackson
- Judi West as Sandy Hinkle
- Cliff Osmond as Purkey
- Lurene Tuttle as Mother Hinkle
- Harry Holcombe as O'Brien
- Les Tremayne as Thompson
- Lauren Gilbert as Kincaid
- Marge Redmond as Charlotte Gingrich
- Noam Pitlik as Max
- Harry Davis as Dr. Krugman
- Ann Shoemaker as Sister Veronica
- Maryesther Denver as Ferret-faced Nurse
- Ned Glass as Doc Schindler
- Sig Ruman as Professor Winterhalter
- William Christopher as Intern Doctor
- Bartlett Robinson as Specialist Doctor
- Robert P. Lieb as Specialist Doctor
- Martin Blaine as Specialist Doctor
- Ben Wright as Specialist Doctor
- Helen Kleeb as The Lawyers' Receptionist
- Keith Jackson as Football Announcer
- John Anderson as Abraham Lincoln (uncredited)
- Jon Silo as Tailor (uncredited)
Found at script-o-rama. However, that script (as of 24 February 2007) misses many words and phrases spoken in the movie (such as, They had to microfilm it!).
The script-o-rama source even does not say which character says which sentence (making it appear as if it originated from a subtitles file).
For the quotations posted on this page by Faterson, the script-o-rama source was used; however, every single word posted on this page by Faterson has been meticulously checked by watching the actual movie footage to guarantee the accuracy of every quotation.
In addition, not only the names of characters speaking the various sentences were inserted in the text, but also the minutes and seconds at which the quoted scene occurs in the movie.
120 minutes and 45 seconds
(including opening and closing credits)
--Faterson
chapter 1, The Accident (4:23 - 5:01)
Football Announcer: Looks like Boom Boom has not only racked up 55 yards, but also one of our cameramen.
Man Sitting Next to Him [laughs good-humouredly]
Hinkle [getting up slowly]
Crowd [applause and cheering]
Hinkle [waves to the crowd, then flops backwards, losing consciousness]
Boom-Boom Jackson & Hinkle's Colleague [trying to resurrect Hinkle]
Hinkle's Colleague: Harry! Harry!
Band Conductor [looks on worriedly, then twirls around, gives a sign and the band commences to play an energetic, cheerful tune, with the crowd behind the band showing worried faces]
--Faterson
(5:20 – 5:30)
Football Announcer: I hope there isn't anything serious. [receives a slip of paper from someone standing behind him] And now while there's time out on the field, let's take a look at the accident again, on the CBS exclusive stop-action camera.
--Faterson
chapter 2, The Brother-in-Law (37:14 - 7:20)
Charlotte Gingrich [to her two kids, skateboarding along hospital corridors]: Jeffrey! Ginger! Cut that out. This is a hospital!
Gingrich: Let 'em. If they're gonna break a leg, this is the place to do it.
--Faterson
(7:33 – 7:40)
Gingrich [in reaction to being bumped by Sister Veronica opening the door of the X-ray room] All my fault, sister. I was just trying to... I'm his brother-in-law, sister.
Sister Veronica: I see.
Gingrich: And this is his mother, sister, and this is my wife, his sister, sister.
Sister Veronica: How do you do.
--Faterson
(7:47 – 7:49)
Gingrich: Thank you, sister.
Mother Hinkle [ejaculates a hysterical sob]
Gingrich: Shut up, mother.
--Faterson
(7:52 – 8:24)
Mother Hinkle [sobbing]: Poor Harry! He was always so brittle. Remember when he fell off the garage?
Charlotte Gingrich: Oh, mother, not that old story again.
Gingrich [sternly]: What story?
Mother Hinkle: When they were kids in Toledo, he and Charlotte were playing paratrooper. She pushed him off the roof!
Charlotte Gingrich: I didn't push him, he jumped! And anyway, he had an umbrella. Is it my fault if he forgot to open it?
Gingrich: Did he hurt himself?
Mother Hinkle: Spent two months in bed. He had a compressed vertebra!
Gingrich [raising his eyebrows, his hat jumping up]: Compressed vertebra, huh?
--Faterson
(8:36 – 8:39)
Gingrich [looking for spare coins]: Unwed mothers, huh? Well, I'm for that.
--Faterson
(8:57 – 9:06)
Mother Hinkle: It's me, mama. And Charlotte is here, and Willie and Ginger and Jeffrey!
Hinkle [waving to the hospital wall]: Hi, sports fans.
--Faterson
(9:12 – 9:19)
Hinkle [in a sleepy voice]: This is Harry Hinkle on Camera Four.
Mother Hinkle: He doesn't know his own mother. [begins sobbing hysterically]
--Faterson
(9:19 – 9:28)
Gingrich: Oh doc, any ruptures, broken bones, internal bleeding?
Intern Doctor: I don't think so.
Gingrich: You don't think so? How long you been outta medical school?
Intern Doctor: Five months.
Gingrich: That long, huh?
Intern Doctor: Sir?!
--Faterson
(9:40 – 9:57)
Gingrich [in a booming voice]: Wait a minute! Where are you taking him?
Intern Doctor: To the general ward!
Gingrich: Oh, no, you know. I want a private room for him, and nurses around the clock. Nothing is too good for my brother-in-law.
Intern Doctor: You'd better check with the admission office.
Gingrich: Don't let's have any of that red tape, sister. Take him upstairs!
Intern Doctor: How about the penthouse suite?!
Gingrich: Now you're talking, doctor.
--Faterson
(10:07 – 10:12)
Mother Hinkle [sobbing]: They're not gonna cut him open, are they?
Gingrich: Shut up, mother. Charlotte, take her home. Take everybody home.
--Faterson
(11:00)
Gingrich [stealing a coin for a telephone call from the collection box for unwed mothers]
--Faterson
conclusion of chapter 2 (11:38 - 11:44)
Gingrich [calling a newspaper]: Hinkle, H-l-N-K-L-E. St Mark's Hospital. He's very serious. And so am I! [hangs up]
--Faterson
chapter 3, The Caper (13:46 - 13:50)
Gingrich [to Ferret-faced Nurse] Whatever happened to all those beautiful nurses you see on television?
--Faterson
(13:53 – 14:02)
Gingrich [with a movement of his hand indicating departure]: Would you mind leaving us alone for a little while?
Ferret-faced Nurse [mimicking the movement of his hand]: I'd be delighted! [leaves the room in indignation]
--Faterson
(14:32 – 14:45)
Hinkle: You're crazy. I can move my hand and my leg.
Gingrich: Sure you can, if you wanna blow a million bucks.
Hinkle: A million bu... What are you talking about?
Gingrich: That's what we're suing for. They'll offer us a hundred thousand, we settle for a quarter of a million.
--Faterson
(15:02 – 15:30)
Gingrich: So now you got a ringing in your ears and double vision.
Hinkle: Double vision!
Gingrich: How many me do you see?
Hinkle: One! One cheap, chiselling shyster lawyer who of all people had to marry my sister.
Gingrich: Nice talk! I'm handin' you a quarter of a million dollars on a silver platter! [extends a mobile toilet bowl towards Hinkle]
Hinkle: Don't want the money, don't want the silver platter, I just... [Indicates the bathroom. Gets up and leaves the room to go to the toilet.]
Gingrich [pursuing him]: What's the matter, you feel sorry for insurance companies? They got so much money they don't know what to do with it! They've run out of storage space. [The bathroom door closes behind Hinkle.] They had to microfilm it! What's a quarter of a million to them? They take it out of petty cash. So don't give me with the scruples.
--Faterson
(15:58 – 16:15)
Hinkle: All right, where are my clothes?
Gingrich: Why?
Hinkle: I'm checkin' outta here!
Gingrich: Checkin' out? Where do you think you are? In a Hilton hotel? You're not registered here, you're booked here! You got a number on your wrist!
Hinkle: What do I need, a reprieve from the governor?
Gingrich: No, a discharge from the doctor. Now get back into bed! Get back to bed!
Hinkle: OK! But only because it's draughty and I got no pants.
--Faterson
(16:45 – 17:10)
Gingrich: We're going for all the marbles.
Hinkle: I wouldn't even lift a finger!
Gingrich: That's all you have to do, Harry: not lift a finger! Think of your mother! Think of your mother, Harry: bronchitis every winter. She shouldn't be in Cleveland, she should be in Florida, baking her chest! And your sister! Thirty-three years old, and never had a fur coat. Then there's your nephew and your niece. They have to sleep in the same room. You want them to wind up going to an analyst?
Hinkle: You want me to wind up going to jail?
Gingrich: That's negative thinking!
--Faterson
(17:15 – 17:34)
Gingrich: They're gonna hit you with hammers, they'll stick pins into you...
Hinkle: Not me!
Gingrich: All you have to remember is which nerves are damaged. From the middle of your ring finger to your thumb, you're numb. As for your leg...
Hinkle: Don't lose yourself in details.
Gingrich: [...] That's what we call pain and suffering. And the money you get for that is tax-free!
Hinkle: What pain? What suffering?
--Faterson
(19:09 – 19:16)
Gingrich: Then you make a gradual recovery. [phone rings]
Hinkle: I'm gonna make a rapid recovery! I'm gonna start right now!
--Faterson
(20:20 – 20:31)
Hinkle [to Sandy on the telephone]: Oh, isn't that touching? You didn't care how I felt a year ago when you ran off with Gus Gilroy! Didn't even leave a note, just a stale meat loaf in the refrigerator! For a whole month, I was going nuts trying to find the laundry where you'd taken my shirts!
--Faterson
(20:49 – 20:53)
Hinkle [enraged, to Sandy on the telephone]: I woulda strangled you with one of Gus Gilroy's fancy ties! That's how nice and kind I am!
--Faterson
(21:28 – 21:43)
Hinkle [about Sandy]: And stupid? Agh! Never read a book in her life! She read one book, The Carpetbaggers. End of six months, she was on page 19.
--Faterson
(22:39 – 22:49)
Dr. Krugman: So we open the kid up, what do you think we find? Three buttons, a thumbtack, and 27 cents in change. [...] Parents couldn't afford to pay for the operation, so l kept the 27 cents.
--Faterson
(23:06 – 23:10)
Dr. Krugman [looking at the X-ray picture]: Mmmm...
Gingrich: You said it, doctor.
--Faterson
(23:38 – 23:47)
Dr. Krugman: There's the compression of the fifth vertebra, and a narrowed disc.
Gingrich: Are you sure?!
Dr. Krugman: Why do you think I'm wearing this outfit? Because I'm a barber?
Gingrich: Oh, I didn't mean to question your competence...
Dr. Krugman: So don't kibitz!
--Faterson
(24:56 – 25:08)
Hinkle: Sharp! Sharp. Dull... Dull. Sharp! Dull. Sharp! Sharp! Dull.
--Faterson
(25:26 – 25:29)
Gingrich [to Boom-Boom Jackson]: Goodbye now! Goodbye, you're very thoughtful! Goodbye!
--Faterson
(26:02 – 26:13)
Dr. Krugman: How many nurses do you see?
Hinkle: Two.
Gingrich: Two?
Hinkle: Can we afford 'em?
Gingrich: Don't tell me this is normal, doctor!
--Faterson
(26:45 – 26:49)
Gingrich: What is it, doc? Any brain damage? Give it to us straight, we can take it!
--Faterson
(27:48 – 27:51)
Gingrich: If you want a layman's opinion...
Dr. Krugman: I do not! [goes away]
--Faterson
chapter 4, The Legal Eagles (30:56 - 31:02)
Thompson: This guy [Gingrich] is so full of angles and gimmicks and twists... He starts to describe a donut, and it comes out a pretzel.
--Faterson
(31:06 – 31:09)
Thompson: But after you shake hands with him [Gingrich], I suggest you count your fingers.
--Faterson
(31:33 – 31:55)
Gingrich: To see O'Brien, Thompson and Kincaid.
Receptionist: And you are?
Gingrich: Gingrich, Gingrich and Gingrich. [...]
Receptionist: Go right in, Mr Gingrich.
Gingrich: Thanks. Take the rest of the afternoon off.
--Faterson
(32:05 – 32:11)
O'Brien: The reason we called you up here, Mr. Gingrich, is because...
Gingrich: Lemme guess! You wanna settle. [sitting down]
O'Brien: Settle?
Gingrich: You don't wanna settle.
O'Brien: Certainly not.
Gingrich: That settles that. [standing up]
--Faterson
(33:05 – 33:08)
O'Brien: Maybe in New York they throw money around like that.
Gingrich [inimitable delivery]: All right.
--Faterson
(34:50 – 35:04)
Gingrich: Interesting case! I'm considering suing the United Fruit Company. There should be a printed warning on every banana peel. Those things can be hazardous to your health. Carry on, gentlemen! [slams the door behind him]
--Faterson
chapter 5, The Chinese Lunch (35:35 - 35:48)
Abraham Lincoln Character [on TV, watched by Hinkle]: It is true that you may fool all of the people some of the time; you can even fool some of the people all of the time! But you can't fool all of the people all of the time.
Crowd [on TV, applause and cheering]
--Faterson
(35:57 – 36:00)
Gingrich: Lincoln? Great president, lousy lawyer.
--Faterson
(37:14 – 37:48)
Mother Hinkle [entering the room] Harry? [shrieks inimitably]
Hinkle: Hello, mother! Hi, Charlotte.
Mother Hinkle: My poor baby, what have they done to you?!
Gingrich [irritated]: He's wearing a corset, mother! Everybody wears a corset. You wear a corset, Charlotte wears a corset...
Charlotte Gingrich [outraged]: I wear a girdle!
Hinkle [in apparent pain]: Don't fight, please. [...]
Gingrich: Mother, you're upsetting everybody. You shouldn't be at the hospital, you should be in Florida! Four weeks in the sun, and you'll be a new person...
--Faterson
(37:51 – 38:34)
Gingrich [to Mother Hinkle]: Look, I've already got your ticket. Your plane leaves tomorrow at noon; I'll drive you to the airport in the new Mustang.
Mother Hinkle [weeping]
Hinkle [in shock]: What new Mustang?!
Gingrich: Your new Mustang, but since you're in no condition to drive, I'm breaking it in for you.
Hinkle: Gee, that's big of ya.
Gingrich: What's your favourite colour?
Hinkle: Red!
Gingrich: Dammit! [snaps his fingers] I hope you don't mind: I got it in beige to match Charlotte's fur coat.
Hinkle: What?!
Charlotte Gingrich: It's kid fox! The hat goes with it. Do you like it?
Gingrich [fed up]: He loves it!
Hinkle [pointing his finger around the room]: Florida and Mustangs and foxes... And how are we gonna pay for all this?
Gingrich: Our credit is good!
Hinkle: Well, don't you think we'd better wait till we see some of that insurance money?!
Gingrich: Wait?! Who waits nowadays? Take the government! When they shoot a billion dollars' worth of hardware into space [points upwards], you think they pay cash? It's all on the Diners Club!
Mother Hinkle [utters a scream, startling everyone in the room]
--Faterson
(38:47 – 38:52)
Hinkle: Mother, why don't you go to Florida? Four weeks in the sun, baking your chest...
--Faterson
(41:19 – 41:23)
Hinkle: Thank the boys for the [wheel]chair.
Boom-Boom Jackson: That's OK, buddy. Use it in good health!
--Faterson
(41:28 – 41:32)
Hinkle: I wish you'd tell him [Boom-Boom Jackson] to stay away from here.
Gingrich: Why? He's a nice guy.
Hinkle: That's what I mean!
--Faterson
(41:32 – 41:54)
Gingrich: Where is that Chinese lunch? And what are you doin' walkin' around?
Hinkle: Trying to get some circulation in my legs. Do you mind?
Gingrich: Circulation?! That's the last thing we want. Now why don't we just get back in the bed?
Hinkle: What is this with the "we"?
Gingrich: We're in this together, you and I, straight down the line. Fifty-fifty!
Hinkle [shocked]: Fifty-fifty?!
Gingrich [surprised]: Don't you think that's fair?! l'm devoting ninety percent of my time to this case. And if you louse it up, we lose the case and I get nothing!
--Faterson
(42:07 – 42:10)
Gingrich: What the hell took you so long? A slow boat from China? We got a hungry man here.
--Faterson
(42:45 – 43:09)
Gingrich: He's gonna give you a shot to help you pass those tests.
Hinkle: Oh, I'm not takin' any shots from a waiter!
Gingrich: What do you mean, waiter? [majestically] This is Doc Schindler from Chicago!
Doc Schindler: Howdy!
[...]
Hinkle: You'll be careful, won't you, doc?
Doc Schindler: I'd better be, because I'm on parole!
Hinkle: Parole?!
Doc Schindler: They caught me tampering with a horse at Arlington Park.
Hinkle [shocked]: A veterinary?!
Gingrich: Well, actually, he's a dentist.
--Faterson
chapter 6, The Snake Pit (45:10 - 45:28)
Specialist Doctor 1: Well, gentlemen. the evidence seems to be quite clear.
Specialist Doctor 2: There are obvious indications of nerve trauma.
Specialist Doctor 3: Obviously!
Specialist Doctor 4: I concur!
Specialist Doctor 1: And what is your learned opinion, Professor Winterhalter?
Professor Winterhalter: I have not formulated an opinion yet. But I have formulated a hunch.
Hinkle: Oh.
Professor Winterhalter [looks down on him, calmly]: Fake. [monocle falls out of his eye]
Hinkle [his smile vanishing]: Oh.
--Faterson
(46:00 – 46:12)
Specialist Doctor 1;: Wouldn't you say so, Professor Winterhalter?
Professor Winterhalter: I once saw a zimilar case in Zurich.
Hinkle: Oh?
Professor Winterhalter: Also fake. [monocle falls out of his eye]
Hinkle [depressed]: Oh...
--Faterson
(46:37 – 47:19)
Specialist Doctor 2: Are we, then, unanimous in our evaluation, Professor Winterhalter?
Professor Winterhalter [incensed]: Fake! [takes monocle out of his eye] Ts! All these newfangled machines! Fake!! They prove nothing. In the old days, we used to do these things better. A man says he is paralysed, we zimply throw him in the snake pit. If he climbs out, then we know he is lying!
Specialist Doctor 4 [astonished]: And if he doesn't climb out?
Professor Winterhalter [kindly]: Then we have lost a patient! But we have found an honest man.
Hinkle: Wait a minute, you guys: you're not throwin' me in any pit! If you bring one snake in here, just one little snake... [hollers] Willie!!!
--Faterson
chapter 7, The Gemini Plan (47:36 - 47:48)
O'Brien [reading doctors' letter]: "[...] After an analysis in depth of all the diagnostic data, we the undersigned doctors have come to the definite conclusion that the evidence is definitely inconclusive. Enclosed please find a bill for our services and a detailed list of our expenses."
--Faterson
(48:15 – 48:22)
Tailor: You wear a belt, or suspenders?
Gingrich: Suspenders?! They went out with Clarence Darrow. Great lawyer, lousy dresser.
--Faterson
(49:55 – 50:99)
Purkey: In that case, may l recommend our Gemini Plan?
O'Brien: What's Gemini?
Purkey: Two operatives, 24-hour coverage, a microphone in every room, 16mm camera, telescopic lens – and Technicolor.
--Faterson
chapter 8, The Torch (51:44 - 51:52)
Gingrich: Watch it, somebody may walk through that door any minute!
Hinkle: You bet! And it's gonna be me. I'm walkin' out of here on my own two feet and without this damn corset!
--Faterson
(53:03 – 53:07)
Sandy [talking about Hinkle to Gingrich on the phone]: Poor bastard. I just hope he winds up with a little money. [The shadow of Sandy's lover, showering in the bathroom, can be seen in the background.]
--Faterson
(54:04 – 54:17)
Sandy [talking to Hinkle on the phone]: And that cat. What was her name? Tinker Bell?
Hinkle: Yeah, everything is just the same. Except the cat, she ran away too. There must be something the matter with me. [laughs]
Sandy: Don't say that. Maybe there's something the matter with Tinker Bell.
--Faterson
chapter 9, The Goldfish&;nbsp;Bowl (57:23 - 57:30)
Purkey: He had this Swedish masseuse come every so often, give him a rubdown. Then one night, bingo! There he was, givin' her a rubdown.
--Faterson
(60:07 – 60:14)
Hinkle: Funny thing about marriage. It's like bein' in the army. Everybody knocks it, but you'd be surprised how many guys re-enlist.
--Faterson
(62:30 – 62:43)
Hinkle [happily driving around in his wheelchair, singing a lovesong]
--Faterson
(66:55 – 67:07)
Gingrich: So the moral of the story is: better Red Riding Hood than Dead Riding Hood. You read me?
Hinkle: Not really.
--Faterson
chapter 10, The Return of Tinker Bell (71:56 - 72:06)
Boom-Boom Jackson: All Mr Gingrich talks about is the money, but all Harry talks about is you.
Sandy: That's just like him. Sweet, impractical Harry. If he had his way, nobody would get anything out of this.
--Faterson
(74:45 – 74:52)
Hinkle: What happened? You've got green eyes!
Sandy: It's the contact lenses. They make them in all colours now.
--Faterson
(75:25 – 75:34)
Sandy: Harry, promise me something. As soon as you get a little money, have this couch re-covered.
Hinkle [laughing]: Don't worry. According to Willie, I could have it re-upholstered in hunder-dollar bills.
--Faterson
(77:18 – 77:25)
Hinkle [about Sandy]: Not that I think she's perfect. They're all a little unpredictable. And she may not be a raving beauty, but then l'm no Mastroianni either. [laughs]
--Faterson
chapter 11, The Longest Night (81:12 - 81:24)
Hinkle: You have your own job to worry about, and now that Sandy's – here... [laughing nervously] You know how it is.
Boom-Boom Jackson [earnestly]: I know how it is.
--Faterson
(83:27 – 83:31)
Gingrich [shouting at children skateboarding along apartment corridors]: Why don't you kids go play on the freeway?!
--Faterson
chapter 13, The Indian Givers (87:59 - 88:46)
Hinkle [holding the telephone receiver at some distance from his ear]
Mother Hinkle [on the telephone, sobbing hysterically]: Oh, no!
Hinkle: Please, don't cry, mother. Believe me, she's changed! She washed my socks, she scrubbed the bathroom. Tonight, she's cooking me a meat loaf! [laughing excitedly, then murmuring] Changed...
Mother Hinkle [another outburst of hysterical sobbing]
Hinkle: Mother? Please, stop crying! How's the weather in Florida?
Mother Hinkle [wailing and moaning hysterically]
[...]
Gingrich [entering the room in his overcoat and stopping in full stride to lean towards the telephone receiver]: Shut up, mother!
Mother Hinkle [sobbing, wailing and moaning]
--Faterson
(92:18 – 92:24)
Gingrich: That's a good kid! [slapping Sandy's behind] Hey, put on a little weight, haven't ya? I'd say about seven pound.
--Faterson
(92:42 – 92:46)
Sandy: You know Willie! He could find a loophole in the Ten Commandments.
--Faterson
chapter 14, The Taste of Money (93:48 - 93:59)
Purkey: I know I've let you down...
O'Brien: You certainly have! In Technicolor.
Purkey [backing out of the room]: Well, uh... I'd better be getting back to my post.
--Faterson
(94:12 – 95:35)
Gingrich [sitting at his office desk twisting his thumbs, with his feet up on the desktop]
[phone ringing]
Gingrich [picks up the phone; inimitable delivery throughout]: Hello? ... Yeah! ... O'Brien, Thompson and who? ... Oh, yes, you're those lawyers in my building. What's on your mind, gentlemen? ... You wanna see me? ... Hold on, I'll check my calendar! [humming the overture to Rossini's The Barber of Seville] Well, I'm all jammed up tomorrow... Uh, nothing open Thursday. Friday is out of the question... Uh, maybe I can squeeze you in next Monday between 11 and 11:15? ... Today? I just don't see how I can do it. ... Well, if you boys wanna drop down here and take your chances! ... All righty! [hangs up, gets up and starts cleaning up the mess in his office, humming The Barber of Seville tune]
--Faterson
(95:43 – 95:49)
Gingrich: Sorry, things are a little messy around here! You see, my secretary got married.
Kincaid: Oh, really?
Gingrich: Yeah, ten years ago. To me. [laughs]
--Faterson
(95:51 – 95:53)
Gingrich [upturns a waste-basket (spilling its contents on the floor), offering it to Thompson to sit down on]
--Faterson
(96:08 – 96:22)
Gingrich: Yeah... [laughs] Now, let's see: if you're offering ten thousand, that means you've been authorised to go to twenty-five. And if you're authorized to go to twenty-five, that means they're willing to go to fifty. So why don't we skip all preliminaries and start at fifty thousand?
Thompson: Fifty thousand dollars?
Gingrich: That's not acceptable.
--Faterson
(96:23 – 96:27)
[kettle whistles]
Gingrich: Hey, would you gentlemen like to have some instant coffee?
Kincaid: We'd like to have an instant decision.
--Faterson
(96:37 – 97:04)
O'Brien: Thirty-five thousand!
Gingrich [from the kitchenette]: Anybody care for some cocoa? Ovaltine? Sauerkraut juice? Delaware Punch?
O'Brien: Forty thousand!
Gingrich: Melba toast? Skinless and boneless sardines? Tootsie Rolls? Low-calorie yogurt? How about some pepperoni pizza?
O'Brien: No, thank you. I'm on Metrecal.
Gingrich: Metrecal, fresh out! I've got, uh, Bufferin, uh, Pepto-Bismol, Mercurochrome...
O'Brien: Forty-five thousand!
Gingrich [slamming the door of the first-aid box shut]: You boys going to the game Saturday? It's Harry Hinkle Night!
--Faterson
(100:38 – 101:10)
Sandy [whispering into Hinkle's ear]: Don't move. Don't say anything. Just think about you and me. If we're going to start all over again, how can it hurt to have a little money? [Hinkle's eye winces.] We're so close to it now, don't throw it away! For once in your life, be practical. Do the smart thing. I love you, Harry. But I don't wanna love somebody dumb. [starts kissing him on the mouth]
--Faterson
chapter 15, The Better Mousetrap (101:45 - 101:49)
Gingrich [shouting across the street at Purkey]: You're not fooling anybody, you big tub of lard!
Purkey [jumps up from bed]
--Faterson
(102:11 – 102:18)
Max: Take that filthy glove out of my face! Do you suppose he's tellin' the truth?
Purkey: I wouldn't put anything past him.
--Faterson
(103:01 – 103:35)
Gingrich [to Hinkle, majestically]: Like I promised you, on a silver platter!
Hinkle [unconcerned]: Could I have my coffee, please?
Sandy [stunned]: Two hundred thousand dollars! [...; to Hinkle] Look at all those zeros! [to Gingrich, rushing to embrace him] Willie, you're a genius!
Gingrich [embraces Sandy, starts singing and dancing]: I'm a genius, yes, I'm a genius... Da-da-da-di-di, a genuine genius... [continues singing, twirling in his dance, slapping the silver slapper]
Hinkle [honks horn]: I'd still like my coffee.
--Faterson
(103:49 – 104:01)
Gingrich: You just got the biggest cash award ever made in a personal injury case in the state of Ohio, and you're acting like a loser.
Hinkle: What would you like me to do? Put a lampshade on my head? Turn cartwheels?
Gingrich: Not yet! You're still convalescing.
--Faterson
(105:49 – 105:52)
Hinkle [to Sandy]: For twenty thousand dollars, you can put on a pretty good act.
--Faterson
(106:21 – 106:26)
Purkey: Can I come in for a minute?
Gingrich: You mean through the door? I thought you only came in through the window, or through the heating system.
--Faterson
(SPOILER) (107:26 – 107:40)
Hinkle [jumps out of the wheelchair] Dirty son of a bitch! [hits Purkey's face with his fist, Purkey tumbles to the floor]
Gingrich: Harry! [rushes at Hinkle in an attempt to restrain him]
Purkey [sitting on the floor, slowly recovering; then a smile lights up on his face] Thanks!
--Faterson
(SPOILER) (107:40 – 109:12)
Purkey [jumps up from the floor, turns to the window and tries to open it] Hey, Max! Maaax!
Gingrich [to Hinkle]: You walked right into a trap, you idiot!
Sandy [shouting accusingly at Hinkle]: I'm the idiot! I should have tipped off the insurance company. They would have given me twenty thousand dollars!
Hinkle [starts, then turns to Sandy]
Purkey [shouting from the window]: Max! Hey, Max! Did you get it?!
Max [shouting from the window of the room across the street, apologetically]: I'm not sure, it's a little dark...
Purkey: Oh, no!
Gingrich [quickly, to Hinkle]: Did you hear that? Get back in the chair, get back... [motions Hinkle back into the wheelchair]
Hinkle [Sits back down into the wheelchair. Looks to the right at Sandy, then turns left to face Purkey again] You want another take?
Purkey [with a delighted, childlike smile on his face]: Yeah!
Hinkle [gets up from the wheelchair again, starts switching on all the lamps in the room; ...] Roll her, Max! [hits Purkey's smiling face with his fist again, and Purkey tumbles to the floor again] So much for the bad hand! Let's see what a man with a broken back can do! [tearing the corset from his body; crosses the room to bed curtains hanging from a traverse rod, jumps up and starts exercising on the horizontal bar in a gymnast's style]
Purkey [recovering from the second hit in his face; yet another delighted smile appears in it. Puts his hat back on, gets up and moves to the door, with an amazed and delighted smile on his face. To Hinkle] Attaboy! Keep it up! [leaves the room]
--Faterson
(109:25 – 109:35)
Gingrich: Hey, you've got one green eye and one blue eye.
Sandy [sobbing]: My contact lens! I must have dropped it. Don't move! [gets down on the carpetted floor, starts searching the lens]
--Faterson
(SPOILER) (110:19 – 110:42)
Hinkle [to sobbing Sandy]: I don't want to find you here when I get back. And take your damn meat loaf with you! [Sandy, sobbing and on all four, continues her search for the lost contact lens . Hinkle starts going out of the door, then returns and lightly pushes Sandy's behind with his foot, throwing her to the floor.] Nothing wrong with my leg either! [leaves the room]
--Faterson
(SPOILER) (111:03 – 112:17)
Gingrich [speaking into the microphone]: This is William H. Gingrich, attorney-at-law. I am both shocked and dismayed to learn that my client has been deceiving me. But there is no legal case against Mr. Hinkle [tears up a sheet of paper] because no money has changed hands. [throws paper shreds out of the open window] However, [starts walking around the room, continuing his speech into the microphone] there is a legal case against the firm of O'Brien, Thompson and Kincaid! They have invaded the privacy of my client, which is a violation of the Fourth Amendment of the Constitution, and the federal Anti-Wiretapping Law of 1934. I am, therefore, filing charges against these gentlemen before the Ethical Practices Committee of the American Bar Association. Furthermore, l am moving immediately to revoke the licence of one Chester Purkey [points finger at the window across the street], private investigator! He has maligned a member of a minority group [gestures dramatically], and l shall duly report this fact to the Civil Rights Division of the Justice Department, the Human Rights Commission of the United Nations, the NAACP, CORE, the American Civil Liberties Union... [a crunching sound halts his speech. Gingrich, in a calm voice] I think l found your contact lens .
--Faterson
(SPOILER) chapter 16, The Final Score (115:19 - 115:46)
Hinkle: Remember what you said in the hospital, what would you do to anybody who called your buddy a faker? Well, I say Harry Hinkle is a faker. What are you waitin' for? Go ahead, belt me.
Boom-Boom Jackson: Why did you do it?
Hinkle: For the money! What else?
Boom-Boom Jackson: You're a liar.
Hinkle: That's what I came to tell you.
Boom-Boom Jackson: If it's for the money, how come you're out of that chair?
Hinkle: I didn't like the setup, I didn't like the characters involved... Especially me.
--Faterson
(SPOILER) (117:15 – 117:54)
Hinkle [shouting]: Hey! Boom Boom! You forgot somethin'! [kicks football] Catch! Go, man, go! [laughs wildly] Yeah! Yeah! Ha! Got ya! [Boom-Boom Jackson bumps into him in full speed, Hinkle tumbles to the ground and remains lying prostrate on the grass]
Boom-Boom Jackson [carries the football, rushes across the empty field and scores a touchdown]
--Faterson
(SPOILER) (119:05 – 119:36)
Hinkle and Boom-Boom Jackson [play ball, running across the empty football field, with cleaning personnel watching them from empty stands. Boom-Boom Jackson scores the final touchdown, and Hinkle joins him in celebration. Frame freezes; end credits begin to roll.]
--Faterson
